Blonde Jokes
She Was Soooo Blonde
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund. ...she tried to put M&M�s in alphabetical order. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ...she thought General Motors was in the army. ...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she tripped over a cordless phone. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY." ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here, she put "Sagittarius." ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she studied for a blood test. ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ...she sold the car for gas money! ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ...if she spoke her mind, she�d be speechless. ...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
Saturday, November 29, 2008
L.O.L!
Blonde Jokes
New York, New York
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, �I�m blonde, I�m beautiful, I�m going to New York, and I�m not moving.�
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, �I�m blonde, I�m beautiful, I�m going to New York, and I�m not moving.�
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, �I�m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.� He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde�s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, �Why didn�t anyone just say so.�
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, �I told her the first class section wasn�t going to New York.�
New York, New York
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, �I�m blonde, I�m beautiful, I�m going to New York, and I�m not moving.�
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, �I�m blonde, I�m beautiful, I�m going to New York, and I�m not moving.�
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, �I�m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.� He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde�s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, �Why didn�t anyone just say so.�
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, �I told her the first class section wasn�t going to New York.�
Impossible..
Blonde Jokes
Mail Order Blonde
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I�m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don�t you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How�s that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven�t gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it�s because when I�m driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Mail Order Blonde
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I�m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don�t you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How�s that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven�t gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it�s because when I�m driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Friday, November 28, 2008
Figure it out. :)
Blonde Jokes
Magic Mirror
There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF*, you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I�m the most beautiful woman in the world."
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I�m the sexiest woman alive!
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..."
*POOF*
Magic Mirror
There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF*, you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I�m the most beautiful woman in the world."
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I�m the sexiest woman alive!
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..."
*POOF*
Can you believe it?
Blonde Jokes
Loose Constructionists
A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
"You haven�t been painting as much road as you did on the first day," the manager said. "What�s the problem?"
"I�d be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!"
Loose Constructionists
A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
"You haven�t been painting as much road as you did on the first day," the manager said. "What�s the problem?"
"I�d be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!"
Speechless...
Blonde Jokes
Job Interview
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics.
"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh .. 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn�t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That�s just me running through �Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....� "
Job Interview
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics.
"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh .. 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn�t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That�s just me running through �Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....� "
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Isanity. Haha.
Blonde Jokes
Flight School
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I�m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I�m starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn�t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don�t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can�t remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
Flight School
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I�m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I�m starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn�t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don�t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can�t remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
......
Blonde Jokes
Dumb Girls
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I�ll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I�m home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Dumb Girls
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I�ll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I�m home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
How 'Smart' can one get?
Blonde Jokes
Don�t Jump
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O�clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn�t jump, and the redhead replied, �I�ll take that bet!�
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said �I can�t take this, you�re my friend.�
The blonde said �No. A bet�s a bet�.
So the redhead said �Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O�clock news, so I can�t take your money�.
The blonde replied, �Well, so did I, but I never thought he�d jump again!�
Don�t Jump
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O�clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn�t jump, and the redhead replied, �I�ll take that bet!�
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said �I can�t take this, you�re my friend.�
The blonde said �No. A bet�s a bet�.
So the redhead said �Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O�clock news, so I can�t take your money�.
The blonde replied, �Well, so did I, but I never thought he�d jump again!�
'How Smart'
Blonde Jokes
Blondes in College
A group of blondes in a class at a local University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they�re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along, sees what they�re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn�t that just like a dumb engineer? We�re looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"
Blondes in College
A group of blondes in a class at a local University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they�re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along, sees what they�re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn�t that just like a dumb engineer? We�re looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"
Monday, November 24, 2008
Full Marks?
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Test Taking
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."
Blonde Test Taking
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."
Mistaken!
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Sheep Counter
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I�ll let you have any one you want."
The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep."
The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you�re exactly right. I guess blondes really aren�t dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him.
"Oh no," he says, "you can�t have that one."
"Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted."
And the farmer replies, "Ma�am, that�s my dog."
Blonde Sheep Counter
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I�ll let you have any one you want."
The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep."
The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you�re exactly right. I guess blondes really aren�t dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him.
"Oh no," he says, "you can�t have that one."
"Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted."
And the farmer replies, "Ma�am, that�s my dog."
Sunday, November 23, 2008
It couldnt be funnier.
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Secretary�s Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven�t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Blonde Secretary�s Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven�t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
It couldnt be funnier.
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Secretary�s Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven�t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Blonde Secretary�s Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven�t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Troublesome? L.O.L
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Joke
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar.
He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I�m blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I�m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6�2", weighs 220 lb., and she�s an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who�s 6�5", weighs 250 lb., and she�s a professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I�m going to have to explain it three times."
Blonde Joke
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar.
He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I�m blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I�m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6�2", weighs 220 lb., and she�s an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who�s 6�5", weighs 250 lb., and she�s a professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I�m going to have to explain it three times."
Friday, November 21, 2008
Smart?
Blonde Jokes
Blonde job interview
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What�s 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What�s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I�m already working on a murder case!"
Blonde job interview
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What�s 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What�s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I�m already working on a murder case!"
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Horse Back Rider
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse�s mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse�s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse�s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......
The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse!
Blonde Horse Back Rider
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse�s mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse�s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse�s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......
The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse!
Indeed..
Blonde Jokes
Bad reception
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."
She replied, "I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."
Bad reception
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."
She replied, "I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."
This Is Funny! :)
A year in review of blondes...
� Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
� Couldn�t learn to water ski because she couldn�t find a lake with a slope.
� Can�t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won�t fit into the typewriter.
� Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months. The box had said Ŗ to 4 years."
� Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
� Couldn�t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
� When asked what the capital of California was, answered "C."
� Can�t make KoolAid because eight cups of water won�t fit into one of those little packets.
� Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while raking leaves.
� Changes the baby�s diaper only once a month because the label said "Good up to 20 pounds."
� After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
� What goes "vroomscreechvroomscreech"? A blonde at a flashing red light.
� Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it�s starting ! to rain, and the top is down."
� Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
� Couldn�t learn to water ski because she couldn�t find a lake with a slope.
� Can�t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won�t fit into the typewriter.
� Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months. The box had said Ŗ to 4 years."
� Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
� Couldn�t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
� When asked what the capital of California was, answered "C."
� Can�t make KoolAid because eight cups of water won�t fit into one of those little packets.
� Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while raking leaves.
� Changes the baby�s diaper only once a month because the label said "Good up to 20 pounds."
� After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
� What goes "vroomscreechvroomscreech"? A blonde at a flashing red light.
� Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it�s starting ! to rain, and the top is down."
This is weird! L.O.L
Blonde Jokes
A Long Flight
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don�t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours, but don�t worry - we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we�ll be up here all day!"
A Long Flight
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don�t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours, but don�t worry - we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we�ll be up here all day!"
Thursday, November 20, 2008
......
Bar Jokes
Drinks for me and buddy
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I�ve got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some."
So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That�s amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That�s amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
Drinks for me and buddy
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I�ve got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some."
So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That�s amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That�s amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
Quite funny! :)
Animal Jokes
Whose Dog
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It�s my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It�s a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Whose Dog
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It�s my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It�s a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Wow! Haha.
Animal Jokes
What, Exactly, Are Cats?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They�re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They�re moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
What, Exactly, Are Cats?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They�re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They�re moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
Pigs can fly!
Traveling Pig
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn�t you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn�t knowed that." The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn�t you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn�t knowed that." The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Hmm funny..
Animal Jokes
Sick Puppy
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog�s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "Let�s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
Well, "says the vet, "I�m going to have to put him down."
"What? because he�s cross-eyed?"
"No, because he�s bloody heavy."
Sick Puppy
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog�s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "Let�s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
Well, "says the vet, "I�m going to have to put him down."
"What? because he�s cross-eyed?"
"No, because he�s bloody heavy."
Try seeing it! :)
Animal Jokes
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don�t think I�ll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There�s a new one!"
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don�t think I�ll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There�s a new one!"
Monday, November 17, 2008
L.O.L!
Animal Jokes
One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor. He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo. An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he�s driving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me!" "Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I�m taking them to the movies!"
One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor. He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo. An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he�s driving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me!" "Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I�m taking them to the movies!"
Laugh all you can!
Animal Jokes
There was a loney guy who decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede. It came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the park. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the park with me?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the park with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede�s house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the park with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I�m putting on my shoes."
There was a loney guy who decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede. It came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the park. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the park with me?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the park with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede�s house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the park with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I�m putting on my shoes."
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Jokes!
Liver and Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ....... "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ....... "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Jokes again!
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I�m just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I�m just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus
More jokes
Animal Jokes
Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Mary?" asked Scott. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How�d it go?" Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy, he just wouldn�t way me.
Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Mary?" asked Scott. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How�d it go?" Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy, he just wouldn�t way me.
And another joke.
Animal Jokes
Dear Master: The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It's time to get rid of the cat. Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table � actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me. And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important? Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my nose. Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason. I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster: To: Master of the house From:Hamster Subject: Cat Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work. Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show. I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in roadkill, yet you give me baths all the time! And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense. So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet.
Yours truly, The Dog
Dear Master: The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It's time to get rid of the cat. Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table � actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me. And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important? Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my nose. Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason. I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster: To: Master of the house From:Hamster Subject: Cat Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work. Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show. I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in roadkill, yet you give me baths all the time! And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense. So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet.
Yours truly, The Dog
Another joke :)
Animal Jokes
A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin� and dealin� they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn�t dance a single step!" "Hmmm...." thought the duck�s former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin� and dealin� they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn�t dance a single step!" "Hmmm...." thought the duck�s former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Jokes of the day!
Animal Jokes
Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin�s lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..." "Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn�t help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word �panda� in the dictionary, you�ll have no choice but to agree." The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."
Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin�s lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..." "Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn�t help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word �panda� in the dictionary, you�ll have no choice but to agree." The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."
Animal Jokes
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand." Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said. "Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?" "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time." "So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water." "Yes dear," said the mother. "So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand." Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said. "Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?" "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time." "So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water." "Yes dear," said the mother. "So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
Jokes of the day
Animal Jokes
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand." Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said. "Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?" "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time." "So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water." "Yes dear," said the mother. "So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand." Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said. "Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?" "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time." "So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water." "Yes dear," said the mother. "So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
Today's jokes
Animal Jokes
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That�s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That�s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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