Computer Jokes
Reasons you should re-assess your
computer relationship
1. You wake up at 4 o�clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can�t correspond with your mother because she doesn�t have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don�t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don�t laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
L.O.L!
Computer Jokes
Powerful Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Powerful Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Working people, have a good laugh!
Computer Jokes
New Virus
There is a new virus. The code name is "Work". If you receive Work from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that Work has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and Work already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway. . . . it never hurts to be safe.
New Virus
There is a new virus. The code name is "Work". If you receive Work from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that Work has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and Work already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway. . . . it never hurts to be safe.
Haha. True..
Computer Jokes
Murphy Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it�s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you�d least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn�t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Murphy Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it�s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you�d least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn�t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Is there such a car?!
Computer Jokes
If AOL made cars
AOL announced another rate increase today moving the ulimited access rate up too $23.90/month. Thought this joke was appropriate to celebrate the occassion.
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later... and later... and later... and oh forget it.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it�s the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but they�d be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car!
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? Car wouldn�t come with profile feature... oh no!
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. Some compacts would claim to be limos.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
If AOL made cars
AOL announced another rate increase today moving the ulimited access rate up too $23.90/month. Thought this joke was appropriate to celebrate the occassion.
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later... and later... and later... and oh forget it.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it�s the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but they�d be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car!
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? Car wouldn�t come with profile feature... oh no!
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. Some compacts would claim to be limos.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
L.O.L Gd one!
Computer Jokes
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Try saying it out.
Computer Jokes
Dr. Seuss as a Technical Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted �cause the index doesn�t hash, then your situation�s hopeless and your system�s gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that�s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, �cause as sure as I�m a poet, the sucker�s gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy�s getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you�ll want to RAM your ROM Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Dr. Seuss as a Technical Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted �cause the index doesn�t hash, then your situation�s hopeless and your system�s gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that�s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, �cause as sure as I�m a poet, the sucker�s gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy�s getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you�ll want to RAM your ROM Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Decisions. L.O.L
Computer Jokes
Bill Gates In purgatory
Bill Gates dies He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I�m really confused on this call. I�m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows �95. I�m going to do something I�ve never done before in your case: I�m going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "What�s the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I�m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I�ll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let�s try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I�d prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How�s everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can�t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"That was just a demo," replied St. Peter.
Bill Gates In purgatory
Bill Gates dies He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I�m really confused on this call. I�m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows �95. I�m going to do something I�ve never done before in your case: I�m going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "What�s the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I�m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I�ll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let�s try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I�d prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How�s everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can�t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"That was just a demo," replied St. Peter.
Monday, December 15, 2008
L.O.L
Children Jokes
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Tinny little kids. :D
Children Jokes
You a cop?
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, an officer was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," he replied and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that�s right," he told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot towards the officer, "would you please tie my shoe?"
You a cop?
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, an officer was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," he replied and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that�s right," he told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot towards the officer, "would you please tie my shoe?"
Sunday, December 14, 2008
True.. Haha..
Children Jokes
Quotes Regarding Kids
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
Mother�s of teens know why animals eat their young.
If your parents did not have any children, chances are you won�t either.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn�t have paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence. - Dobson
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn�t have said.
The main purpose of holding children�s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago, and they�re still getting in!
Grandchildren are God�s reward for not killing your children.
Who are these kids, and why are they calling me Mom?
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
When mama ain�t happy, ain�t nobody happy.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Familiarity breeds children.
A child�s greatest period of growth is the month after you�ve purchased new school uniforms.
Anyone who says �Easy as taking candy from a baby!� has never tried it.
Ever notice that a human baby doesn�t walk until it�s tall enough to reach a parent�s hand?
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Be nice to your kids. They�ll choose your nursing home.
Quotes Regarding Kids
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
Mother�s of teens know why animals eat their young.
If your parents did not have any children, chances are you won�t either.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn�t have paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence. - Dobson
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn�t have said.
The main purpose of holding children�s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago, and they�re still getting in!
Grandchildren are God�s reward for not killing your children.
Who are these kids, and why are they calling me Mom?
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
When mama ain�t happy, ain�t nobody happy.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Familiarity breeds children.
A child�s greatest period of growth is the month after you�ve purchased new school uniforms.
Anyone who says �Easy as taking candy from a baby!� has never tried it.
Ever notice that a human baby doesn�t walk until it�s tall enough to reach a parent�s hand?
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Be nice to your kids. They�ll choose your nursing home.
Incredible aunt.
Children Jokes
Moral of the Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My fathers a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "And whats the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Dont put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, dont count your chickens until theyre hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma?am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete..."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldnt break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when shes been drinking!"
Moral of the Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My fathers a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "And whats the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Dont put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, dont count your chickens until theyre hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma?am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete..."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldnt break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when shes been drinking!"
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Kids nowadays..
Children Jokes
Kids on the Net
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "GoofyMickeyMinniePluto" and so I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they said it had to have at least four characters."
Kids on the Net
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "GoofyMickeyMinniePluto" and so I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they said it had to have at least four characters."
Comprehend. Haha.
Children Jokes
K-9 Cop
It was the end of the day when the officer parked his police van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and it was then that the officer spotted the little red haired boy staring at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What�d he do?"
K-9 Cop
It was the end of the day when the officer parked his police van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and it was then that the officer spotted the little red haired boy staring at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What�d he do?"
Naughty little boy!
Children Jokes
They are busy
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They�re busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They�re busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They�re busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they�re all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me."
They are busy
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They�re busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They�re busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They�re busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they�re all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me."
Never say the wrong things.
Children Jokes
Goat
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, �Might aswell have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.�"
Goat
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, �Might aswell have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.�"
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Do you get it? :)
Children Jokes
Father�s Day Product Placement
On Father�s Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,��Try it dad.��
The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,��How do you like it Dad?��
The dad doesn�t want to hurt the little boy�s feelings so he says, ��This is....something else, I�ve never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.��
The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ��Drink some more Pops.��
As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,��Hey! Why did you put army men in here?��
The little boy again smiles and sings,��The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.��
Father�s Day Product Placement
On Father�s Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,��Try it dad.��
The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,��How do you like it Dad?��
The dad doesn�t want to hurt the little boy�s feelings so he says, ��This is....something else, I�ve never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.��
The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ��Drink some more Pops.��
As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,��Hey! Why did you put army men in here?��
The little boy again smiles and sings,��The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.��
Age matters?
Children Jokes
Escaped Convict
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I�m free, I�m free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I�m four."
Escaped Convict
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I�m free, I�m free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I�m four."
Monday, December 8, 2008
OMG!
Children Jokes
Chicken sandwich
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay! " and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!"
Chicken sandwich
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay! " and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!"
L.O.L
Children Jokes
Birds and the Bees
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he�s 4 and I�m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I�ll just let him ask, and I�ll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Birds and the Bees
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he�s 4 and I�m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I�ll just let him ask, and I�ll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Friday, December 5, 2008
True. :)
Children Jokes
Advice On Life From Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, �Do I look stupid?� don�t answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mom her diet�s not working." Michael, 14
"Stay away from prunes." Randy, 9
"Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, 13
"Don�t squat with your spurs on." Noronha, 13
"Don�t pull dad�s finger when he tells you to." Emily, 10
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don�t let her brush your hair." Taylia,11
"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14
"Don�t sneeze in front of mum when you�re eating crackers." Mitchell,12
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9
"You can�t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9
"Don�t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 12
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9
"Don�t pick on your sister when she�s holding a baseball bat." Joel,10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she�s on the phone." Alyesha, 13
Advice On Life From Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, �Do I look stupid?� don�t answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mom her diet�s not working." Michael, 14
"Stay away from prunes." Randy, 9
"Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, 13
"Don�t squat with your spurs on." Noronha, 13
"Don�t pull dad�s finger when he tells you to." Emily, 10
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don�t let her brush your hair." Taylia,11
"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14
"Don�t sneeze in front of mum when you�re eating crackers." Mitchell,12
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9
"You can�t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9
"Don�t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 12
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9
"Don�t pick on your sister when she�s holding a baseball bat." Joel,10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she�s on the phone." Alyesha, 13
Smart kid! Haha..
Children Jokes
Actual Kids Test Answers
1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"
3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
10. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
14. "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."
20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
21. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
23. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
24. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
26. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
27. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
28. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
29. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
30. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
31. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
32. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
33. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
34. "For fainting: Rub the person�s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
35. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
36. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
37. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
38. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
39. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
Actual Kids Test Answers
1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"
3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
10. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
14. "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."
20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
21. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
23. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
24. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
26. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
27. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
28. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
29. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
30. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
31. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
32. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
33. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
34. "For fainting: Rub the person�s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
35. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
36. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
37. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
38. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
39. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
Thursday, December 4, 2008
......
Blonde Jokes
Where are you going?
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she�d been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
Where are you going?
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she�d been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
Sigh..
Blonde Jokes
Vain Innovations
How come there were no blondes on Star Trek?
Because not even the high tech world could make them look smart.
Vain Innovations
How come there were no blondes on Star Trek?
Because not even the high tech world could make them look smart.
?!
Blonde Jokes
Two Sisters
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I�ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man�s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I�ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he�ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It�s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she�ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister�s a blonde. She�ll read it slowly."
Two Sisters
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I�ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man�s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I�ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he�ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It�s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she�ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister�s a blonde. She�ll read it slowly."
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Hmm..
Blonde Jokes
Three Blonde Men
Three blonde MEN are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don�t know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.
Three Blonde Men
Three blonde MEN are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don�t know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.
Digest this. :)
Blonde Jokes
The Contractor
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I�d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I�d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I�d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window �Green side up.� What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
The Contractor
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I�d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I�d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I�d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window �Green side up.� What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
Can you believe this?!
Blonde Jokes
Stand Right Here
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,
�Stand in that circle and DON�T MOVE!�
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, �Oh you think that�s funny? Watch this!�
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she�s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
�What�s so funny?� the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, �Every time you weren�t looking, I stepped outside the circle!!
Stand Right Here
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,
�Stand in that circle and DON�T MOVE!�
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, �Oh you think that�s funny? Watch this!�
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she�s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
�What�s so funny?� the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, �Every time you weren�t looking, I stepped outside the circle!!
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