Flying jokes!
Basic Rules of Flying
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A ’good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ’great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
I am not kidding!
These are real life jokes. It revolves around travel agencies.
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8ᚼ a.m. and got into Chicago at 8ᛉ a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?" "That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!"
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8ᚼ a.m. and got into Chicago at 8ᛉ a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?" "That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Read this joke!
Jokes of the day!
25 Proverbs to a healthier life...
1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
25 Proverbs to a healthier life...
1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
This would be the most stingy Jokes of the day you have ever heard of. =)
Jokes of the day or jokes for fart?
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember:
you've been listening to your ipod.
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember:
you've been listening to your ipod.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Does this look like a joke? Yes it is! =)
Sign jokes!
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notic e in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notic e in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Monday, July 13, 2009
Anyone who does these will be kicked in their ass! lol! Just joking!
Annoying jokes
15 Ways to be Annoying
1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you’re a ’’spider person.’’
4) When attending a movie you’ve already seen, yell out: ’’Don’t let him in! He’s the killer!’’
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ’’I hope I fixed it this time.’’
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ’’little men.’’
9) Insist on making inanimate objects ’’dance’’
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it’s full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is ’’one big musical,’’ then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
15 Ways to be Annoying
1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you’re a ’’spider person.’’
4) When attending a movie you’ve already seen, yell out: ’’Don’t let him in! He’s the killer!’’
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ’’I hope I fixed it this time.’’
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ’’little men.’’
9) Insist on making inanimate objects ’’dance’’
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it’s full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is ’’one big musical,’’ then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
lucky prisoner? lol
Couples jokes
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.
Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too...'
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.
Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too...'
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Clever or stupid horse??
Animal jokes
Car in Ditch
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn�t move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn�t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn�t even try!"
Car in Ditch
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn�t move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn�t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn�t even try!"
Thursday, July 2, 2009
computer idiot!
Computer jokes
Word Perfect Help Line
This is a true story from the WordPerfect help
line. Needless to say the help desk employee was
fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination
without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former
Word perfect Customer Support
employee:
"Ridge Hall computer
assistant; may I help
you?"
"Yes, well, I�m having
trouble with WordPerfect."
"What
sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just
typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went
away?"
"They
disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does
your screen look like
now?"
"Nothing."
"No
thing?"
"It�s blank; it won�t
accept anything when I type."
"Are
you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
out?"
"How do I
tell?"
"Can you see the C:
prompt on the screen?"
"What�s a
sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you
move the cursor around on the
screen?"
"There isn�t any
cursor: I told you, it won�t accept anything I
type."
"Does your monitor have a
power indicator?"
"What�s a
monitor?"
"It�s the thing with the
screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it�s
on?"
"I don�t
know."
"Well, then look on the back
of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I
think so."
"Great. Follow the cord
to the plug, and tell me if it�s plugged into the
wall."
".......Yes, it
is."
"When you were behind the
monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just
one?"
"No."
"Well,
there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other
cable."
".......Okay, here it
is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me
if it�s plugged securely into the back of your
computer."
"I can�t
reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see
if it
is?"
"No."
"Even if
you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
"Oh, it�s not because I
don�t have the right angle - it�s because it�s
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes
- the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the
window."
"Well, turn on the office
light then."
"I
can�t."
"No? Why
not?"
"Because there�s a power
outage."
"A power... A power
outage? Aha, Okay, we�ve got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing suff
your computer came in?"
"Well, yes,
I keep them in the closet."
"Good.
Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it
back to the store you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that
bad?"
"Yes, I�m afraid it
is."
"Well, all right then, I
suppose. What do I tell
them?"
"Tell them you�re too stupid
to own a computer."
Word Perfect Help Line
This is a true story from the WordPerfect help
line. Needless to say the help desk employee was
fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination
without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former
Word perfect Customer Support
employee:
"Ridge Hall computer
assistant; may I help
you?"
"Yes, well, I�m having
trouble with WordPerfect."
"What
sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just
typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went
away?"
"They
disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does
your screen look like
now?"
"Nothing."
"No
thing?"
"It�s blank; it won�t
accept anything when I type."
"Are
you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
out?"
"How do I
tell?"
"Can you see the C:
prompt on the screen?"
"What�s a
sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you
move the cursor around on the
screen?"
"There isn�t any
cursor: I told you, it won�t accept anything I
type."
"Does your monitor have a
power indicator?"
"What�s a
monitor?"
"It�s the thing with the
screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it�s
on?"
"I don�t
know."
"Well, then look on the back
of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I
think so."
"Great. Follow the cord
to the plug, and tell me if it�s plugged into the
wall."
".......Yes, it
is."
"When you were behind the
monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just
one?"
"No."
"Well,
there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other
cable."
".......Okay, here it
is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me
if it�s plugged securely into the back of your
computer."
"I can�t
reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see
if it
is?"
"No."
"Even if
you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
"Oh, it�s not because I
don�t have the right angle - it�s because it�s
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes
- the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the
window."
"Well, turn on the office
light then."
"I
can�t."
"No? Why
not?"
"Because there�s a power
outage."
"A power... A power
outage? Aha, Okay, we�ve got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing suff
your computer came in?"
"Well, yes,
I keep them in the closet."
"Good.
Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it
back to the store you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that
bad?"
"Yes, I�m afraid it
is."
"Well, all right then, I
suppose. What do I tell
them?"
"Tell them you�re too stupid
to own a computer."
Saturday, May 2, 2009
couple's joke!
A Woman comes home and tells her husband,
'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks,
'What happened?'
His wife replies,' Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked!
The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful.'
His wife then says,
'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says,
'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!'
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks,
'What happened?'
His wife replies,' Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked!
The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful.'
His wife then says,
'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says,
'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!'
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Brilliant Engineers!
Computer Jokes
Three Engineers
There were three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don�t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open all the windows and see if it works?"
Three Engineers
There were three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don�t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open all the windows and see if it works?"
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