Computer Jokes
Reasons you should re-assess your
computer relationship
1. You wake up at 4 o�clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can�t correspond with your mother because she doesn�t have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don�t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don�t laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
L.O.L!
Computer Jokes
Powerful Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Powerful Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Working people, have a good laugh!
Computer Jokes
New Virus
There is a new virus. The code name is "Work". If you receive Work from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that Work has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and Work already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway. . . . it never hurts to be safe.
New Virus
There is a new virus. The code name is "Work". If you receive Work from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that Work has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and Work already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway. . . . it never hurts to be safe.
Haha. True..
Computer Jokes
Murphy Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it�s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you�d least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn�t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Murphy Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it�s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you�d least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn�t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Is there such a car?!
Computer Jokes
If AOL made cars
AOL announced another rate increase today moving the ulimited access rate up too $23.90/month. Thought this joke was appropriate to celebrate the occassion.
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later... and later... and later... and oh forget it.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it�s the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but they�d be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car!
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? Car wouldn�t come with profile feature... oh no!
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. Some compacts would claim to be limos.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
If AOL made cars
AOL announced another rate increase today moving the ulimited access rate up too $23.90/month. Thought this joke was appropriate to celebrate the occassion.
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later... and later... and later... and oh forget it.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it�s the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but they�d be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car!
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? Car wouldn�t come with profile feature... oh no!
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. Some compacts would claim to be limos.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
L.O.L Gd one!
Computer Jokes
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Try saying it out.
Computer Jokes
Dr. Seuss as a Technical Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted �cause the index doesn�t hash, then your situation�s hopeless and your system�s gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that�s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, �cause as sure as I�m a poet, the sucker�s gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy�s getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you�ll want to RAM your ROM Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Dr. Seuss as a Technical Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted �cause the index doesn�t hash, then your situation�s hopeless and your system�s gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that�s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, �cause as sure as I�m a poet, the sucker�s gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy�s getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you�ll want to RAM your ROM Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Decisions. L.O.L
Computer Jokes
Bill Gates In purgatory
Bill Gates dies He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I�m really confused on this call. I�m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows �95. I�m going to do something I�ve never done before in your case: I�m going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "What�s the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I�m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I�ll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let�s try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I�d prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How�s everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can�t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"That was just a demo," replied St. Peter.
Bill Gates In purgatory
Bill Gates dies He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I�m really confused on this call. I�m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows �95. I�m going to do something I�ve never done before in your case: I�m going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "What�s the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I�m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I�ll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let�s try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I�d prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How�s everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can�t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"That was just a demo," replied St. Peter.
Monday, December 15, 2008
L.O.L
Children Jokes
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Tinny little kids. :D
Children Jokes
You a cop?
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, an officer was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," he replied and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that�s right," he told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot towards the officer, "would you please tie my shoe?"
You a cop?
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, an officer was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," he replied and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that�s right," he told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot towards the officer, "would you please tie my shoe?"
Sunday, December 14, 2008
True.. Haha..
Children Jokes
Quotes Regarding Kids
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
Mother�s of teens know why animals eat their young.
If your parents did not have any children, chances are you won�t either.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn�t have paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence. - Dobson
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn�t have said.
The main purpose of holding children�s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago, and they�re still getting in!
Grandchildren are God�s reward for not killing your children.
Who are these kids, and why are they calling me Mom?
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
When mama ain�t happy, ain�t nobody happy.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Familiarity breeds children.
A child�s greatest period of growth is the month after you�ve purchased new school uniforms.
Anyone who says �Easy as taking candy from a baby!� has never tried it.
Ever notice that a human baby doesn�t walk until it�s tall enough to reach a parent�s hand?
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Be nice to your kids. They�ll choose your nursing home.
Quotes Regarding Kids
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
Mother�s of teens know why animals eat their young.
If your parents did not have any children, chances are you won�t either.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn�t have paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence. - Dobson
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn�t have said.
The main purpose of holding children�s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago, and they�re still getting in!
Grandchildren are God�s reward for not killing your children.
Who are these kids, and why are they calling me Mom?
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
When mama ain�t happy, ain�t nobody happy.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Familiarity breeds children.
A child�s greatest period of growth is the month after you�ve purchased new school uniforms.
Anyone who says �Easy as taking candy from a baby!� has never tried it.
Ever notice that a human baby doesn�t walk until it�s tall enough to reach a parent�s hand?
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Be nice to your kids. They�ll choose your nursing home.
Incredible aunt.
Children Jokes
Moral of the Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My fathers a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "And whats the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Dont put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, dont count your chickens until theyre hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma?am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete..."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldnt break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when shes been drinking!"
Moral of the Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My fathers a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "And whats the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Dont put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, dont count your chickens until theyre hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma?am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete..."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldnt break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when shes been drinking!"
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Kids nowadays..
Children Jokes
Kids on the Net
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "GoofyMickeyMinniePluto" and so I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they said it had to have at least four characters."
Kids on the Net
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "GoofyMickeyMinniePluto" and so I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they said it had to have at least four characters."
Comprehend. Haha.
Children Jokes
K-9 Cop
It was the end of the day when the officer parked his police van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and it was then that the officer spotted the little red haired boy staring at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What�d he do?"
K-9 Cop
It was the end of the day when the officer parked his police van in front of the station. As he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and it was then that the officer spotted the little red haired boy staring at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What�d he do?"
Naughty little boy!
Children Jokes
They are busy
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They�re busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They�re busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They�re busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they�re all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me."
They are busy
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They�re busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They�re busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They�re busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they�re all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me."
Never say the wrong things.
Children Jokes
Goat
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, �Might aswell have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.�"
Goat
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, �Might aswell have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.�"
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Do you get it? :)
Children Jokes
Father�s Day Product Placement
On Father�s Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,��Try it dad.��
The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,��How do you like it Dad?��
The dad doesn�t want to hurt the little boy�s feelings so he says, ��This is....something else, I�ve never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.��
The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ��Drink some more Pops.��
As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,��Hey! Why did you put army men in here?��
The little boy again smiles and sings,��The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.��
Father�s Day Product Placement
On Father�s Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,��Try it dad.��
The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,��How do you like it Dad?��
The dad doesn�t want to hurt the little boy�s feelings so he says, ��This is....something else, I�ve never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.��
The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ��Drink some more Pops.��
As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,��Hey! Why did you put army men in here?��
The little boy again smiles and sings,��The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.��
Age matters?
Children Jokes
Escaped Convict
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I�m free, I�m free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I�m four."
Escaped Convict
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I�m free, I�m free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I�m four."
Monday, December 8, 2008
OMG!
Children Jokes
Chicken sandwich
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay! " and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!"
Chicken sandwich
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay! " and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!"
L.O.L
Children Jokes
Birds and the Bees
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he�s 4 and I�m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I�ll just let him ask, and I�ll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Birds and the Bees
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he�s 4 and I�m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I�ll just let him ask, and I�ll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Friday, December 5, 2008
True. :)
Children Jokes
Advice On Life From Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, �Do I look stupid?� don�t answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mom her diet�s not working." Michael, 14
"Stay away from prunes." Randy, 9
"Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, 13
"Don�t squat with your spurs on." Noronha, 13
"Don�t pull dad�s finger when he tells you to." Emily, 10
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don�t let her brush your hair." Taylia,11
"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14
"Don�t sneeze in front of mum when you�re eating crackers." Mitchell,12
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9
"You can�t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9
"Don�t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 12
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9
"Don�t pick on your sister when she�s holding a baseball bat." Joel,10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she�s on the phone." Alyesha, 13
Advice On Life From Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, �Do I look stupid?� don�t answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mom her diet�s not working." Michael, 14
"Stay away from prunes." Randy, 9
"Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, 13
"Don�t squat with your spurs on." Noronha, 13
"Don�t pull dad�s finger when he tells you to." Emily, 10
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don�t let her brush your hair." Taylia,11
"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14
"Don�t sneeze in front of mum when you�re eating crackers." Mitchell,12
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9
"You can�t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9
"Don�t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 12
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9
"Don�t pick on your sister when she�s holding a baseball bat." Joel,10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she�s on the phone." Alyesha, 13
Smart kid! Haha..
Children Jokes
Actual Kids Test Answers
1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"
3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
10. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
14. "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."
20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
21. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
23. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
24. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
26. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
27. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
28. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
29. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
30. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
31. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
32. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
33. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
34. "For fainting: Rub the person�s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
35. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
36. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
37. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
38. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
39. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
Actual Kids Test Answers
1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"
3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
10. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
14. "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."
20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
21. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
23. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
24. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
26. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
27. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
28. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
29. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
30. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
31. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
32. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
33. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
34. "For fainting: Rub the person�s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
35. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
36. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
37. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
38. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
39. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
Thursday, December 4, 2008
......
Blonde Jokes
Where are you going?
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she�d been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
Where are you going?
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she�d been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
Sigh..
Blonde Jokes
Vain Innovations
How come there were no blondes on Star Trek?
Because not even the high tech world could make them look smart.
Vain Innovations
How come there were no blondes on Star Trek?
Because not even the high tech world could make them look smart.
?!
Blonde Jokes
Two Sisters
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I�ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man�s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I�ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he�ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It�s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she�ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister�s a blonde. She�ll read it slowly."
Two Sisters
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I�ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man�s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I�ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he�ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It�s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she�ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister�s a blonde. She�ll read it slowly."
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Hmm..
Blonde Jokes
Three Blonde Men
Three blonde MEN are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don�t know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.
Three Blonde Men
Three blonde MEN are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don�t know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.
Digest this. :)
Blonde Jokes
The Contractor
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I�d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I�d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I�d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window �Green side up.� What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
The Contractor
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I�d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I�d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I�d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window �Green side up.� What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."
Can you believe this?!
Blonde Jokes
Stand Right Here
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,
�Stand in that circle and DON�T MOVE!�
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, �Oh you think that�s funny? Watch this!�
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she�s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
�What�s so funny?� the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, �Every time you weren�t looking, I stepped outside the circle!!
Stand Right Here
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,
�Stand in that circle and DON�T MOVE!�
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, �Oh you think that�s funny? Watch this!�
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she�s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
�What�s so funny?� the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, �Every time you weren�t looking, I stepped outside the circle!!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Is there such a person?
Blonde Jokes
She Was Soooo Blonde
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund. ...she tried to put M&M�s in alphabetical order. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ...she thought General Motors was in the army. ...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she tripped over a cordless phone. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY." ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here, she put "Sagittarius." ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she studied for a blood test. ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ...she sold the car for gas money! ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ...if she spoke her mind, she�d be speechless. ...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
She Was Soooo Blonde
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund. ...she tried to put M&M�s in alphabetical order. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ...she thought General Motors was in the army. ...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she tripped over a cordless phone. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY." ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here, she put "Sagittarius." ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ...she studied for a blood test. ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ...she sold the car for gas money! ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ...if she spoke her mind, she�d be speechless. ...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She Was Soooo Blonde: ..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
L.O.L!
Blonde Jokes
New York, New York
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, �I�m blonde, I�m beautiful, I�m going to New York, and I�m not moving.�
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, �I�m blonde, I�m beautiful, I�m going to New York, and I�m not moving.�
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, �I�m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.� He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde�s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, �Why didn�t anyone just say so.�
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, �I told her the first class section wasn�t going to New York.�
New York, New York
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, �I�m blonde, I�m beautiful, I�m going to New York, and I�m not moving.�
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, �I�m blonde, I�m beautiful, I�m going to New York, and I�m not moving.�
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, �I�m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.� He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde�s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, �Why didn�t anyone just say so.�
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, �I told her the first class section wasn�t going to New York.�
Impossible..
Blonde Jokes
Mail Order Blonde
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I�m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don�t you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How�s that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven�t gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it�s because when I�m driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Mail Order Blonde
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I�m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don�t you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How�s that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven�t gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it�s because when I�m driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Friday, November 28, 2008
Figure it out. :)
Blonde Jokes
Magic Mirror
There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF*, you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I�m the most beautiful woman in the world."
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I�m the sexiest woman alive!
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..."
*POOF*
Magic Mirror
There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF*, you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I�m the most beautiful woman in the world."
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I�m the sexiest woman alive!
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..."
*POOF*
Can you believe it?
Blonde Jokes
Loose Constructionists
A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
"You haven�t been painting as much road as you did on the first day," the manager said. "What�s the problem?"
"I�d be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!"
Loose Constructionists
A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
"You haven�t been painting as much road as you did on the first day," the manager said. "What�s the problem?"
"I�d be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!"
Speechless...
Blonde Jokes
Job Interview
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics.
"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh .. 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn�t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That�s just me running through �Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....� "
Job Interview
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics.
"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh .. 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn�t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That�s just me running through �Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....� "
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Isanity. Haha.
Blonde Jokes
Flight School
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I�m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I�m starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn�t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don�t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can�t remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
Flight School
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I�m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I�m starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn�t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don�t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can�t remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
......
Blonde Jokes
Dumb Girls
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I�ll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I�m home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Dumb Girls
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I�ll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I�m home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
How 'Smart' can one get?
Blonde Jokes
Don�t Jump
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O�clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn�t jump, and the redhead replied, �I�ll take that bet!�
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said �I can�t take this, you�re my friend.�
The blonde said �No. A bet�s a bet�.
So the redhead said �Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O�clock news, so I can�t take your money�.
The blonde replied, �Well, so did I, but I never thought he�d jump again!�
Don�t Jump
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O�clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn�t jump, and the redhead replied, �I�ll take that bet!�
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said �I can�t take this, you�re my friend.�
The blonde said �No. A bet�s a bet�.
So the redhead said �Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O�clock news, so I can�t take your money�.
The blonde replied, �Well, so did I, but I never thought he�d jump again!�
'How Smart'
Blonde Jokes
Blondes in College
A group of blondes in a class at a local University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they�re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along, sees what they�re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn�t that just like a dumb engineer? We�re looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"
Blondes in College
A group of blondes in a class at a local University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they�re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along, sees what they�re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn�t that just like a dumb engineer? We�re looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"
Monday, November 24, 2008
Full Marks?
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Test Taking
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."
Blonde Test Taking
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."
Mistaken!
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Sheep Counter
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I�ll let you have any one you want."
The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep."
The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you�re exactly right. I guess blondes really aren�t dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him.
"Oh no," he says, "you can�t have that one."
"Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted."
And the farmer replies, "Ma�am, that�s my dog."
Blonde Sheep Counter
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I�ll let you have any one you want."
The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep."
The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you�re exactly right. I guess blondes really aren�t dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him.
"Oh no," he says, "you can�t have that one."
"Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted."
And the farmer replies, "Ma�am, that�s my dog."
Sunday, November 23, 2008
It couldnt be funnier.
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Secretary�s Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven�t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Blonde Secretary�s Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven�t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
It couldnt be funnier.
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Secretary�s Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven�t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Blonde Secretary�s Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven�t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak Mondak Tuesdak Wednesdak Thursdak Fridak Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Troublesome? L.O.L
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Joke
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar.
He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I�m blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I�m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6�2", weighs 220 lb., and she�s an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who�s 6�5", weighs 250 lb., and she�s a professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I�m going to have to explain it three times."
Blonde Joke
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar.
He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I�m blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I�m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6�2", weighs 220 lb., and she�s an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who�s 6�5", weighs 250 lb., and she�s a professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I�m going to have to explain it three times."
Friday, November 21, 2008
Smart?
Blonde Jokes
Blonde job interview
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What�s 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What�s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I�m already working on a murder case!"
Blonde job interview
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What�s 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What�s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I�m already working on a murder case!"
Blonde Jokes
Blonde Horse Back Rider
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse�s mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse�s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse�s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......
The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse!
Blonde Horse Back Rider
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse�s mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse�s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse�s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......
The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse!
Indeed..
Blonde Jokes
Bad reception
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."
She replied, "I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."
Bad reception
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."
She replied, "I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."
This Is Funny! :)
A year in review of blondes...
� Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
� Couldn�t learn to water ski because she couldn�t find a lake with a slope.
� Can�t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won�t fit into the typewriter.
� Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months. The box had said Ŗ to 4 years."
� Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
� Couldn�t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
� When asked what the capital of California was, answered "C."
� Can�t make KoolAid because eight cups of water won�t fit into one of those little packets.
� Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while raking leaves.
� Changes the baby�s diaper only once a month because the label said "Good up to 20 pounds."
� After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
� What goes "vroomscreechvroomscreech"? A blonde at a flashing red light.
� Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it�s starting ! to rain, and the top is down."
� Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
� Couldn�t learn to water ski because she couldn�t find a lake with a slope.
� Can�t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won�t fit into the typewriter.
� Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months. The box had said Ŗ to 4 years."
� Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
� Couldn�t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
� When asked what the capital of California was, answered "C."
� Can�t make KoolAid because eight cups of water won�t fit into one of those little packets.
� Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while raking leaves.
� Changes the baby�s diaper only once a month because the label said "Good up to 20 pounds."
� After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
� What goes "vroomscreechvroomscreech"? A blonde at a flashing red light.
� Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it�s starting ! to rain, and the top is down."
This is weird! L.O.L
Blonde Jokes
A Long Flight
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don�t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours, but don�t worry - we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we�ll be up here all day!"
A Long Flight
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don�t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours, but don�t worry - we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we�ll be up here all day!"
Thursday, November 20, 2008
......
Bar Jokes
Drinks for me and buddy
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I�ve got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some."
So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That�s amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That�s amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
Drinks for me and buddy
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I�ve got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some."
So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That�s amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That�s amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
Quite funny! :)
Animal Jokes
Whose Dog
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It�s my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It�s a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Whose Dog
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It�s my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It�s a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Wow! Haha.
Animal Jokes
What, Exactly, Are Cats?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They�re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They�re moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
What, Exactly, Are Cats?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They�re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They�re moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
Pigs can fly!
Traveling Pig
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn�t you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn�t knowed that." The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn�t you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn�t knowed that." The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Hmm funny..
Animal Jokes
Sick Puppy
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog�s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "Let�s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
Well, "says the vet, "I�m going to have to put him down."
"What? because he�s cross-eyed?"
"No, because he�s bloody heavy."
Sick Puppy
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog�s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "Let�s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
Well, "says the vet, "I�m going to have to put him down."
"What? because he�s cross-eyed?"
"No, because he�s bloody heavy."
Try seeing it! :)
Animal Jokes
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don�t think I�ll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There�s a new one!"
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don�t think I�ll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There�s a new one!"
Monday, November 17, 2008
L.O.L!
Animal Jokes
One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor. He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo. An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he�s driving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me!" "Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I�m taking them to the movies!"
One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor. He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo. An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he�s driving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me!" "Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I�m taking them to the movies!"
Laugh all you can!
Animal Jokes
There was a loney guy who decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede. It came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the park. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the park with me?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the park with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede�s house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the park with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I�m putting on my shoes."
There was a loney guy who decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede. It came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the park. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the park with me?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the park with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede�s house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the park with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I�m putting on my shoes."
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Jokes!
Liver and Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ....... "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ....... "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Jokes again!
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I�m just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I�m just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus
More jokes
Animal Jokes
Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Mary?" asked Scott. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How�d it go?" Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy, he just wouldn�t way me.
Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Mary?" asked Scott. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How�d it go?" Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy, he just wouldn�t way me.
And another joke.
Animal Jokes
Dear Master: The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It's time to get rid of the cat. Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table � actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me. And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important? Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my nose. Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason. I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster: To: Master of the house From:Hamster Subject: Cat Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work. Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show. I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in roadkill, yet you give me baths all the time! And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense. So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet.
Yours truly, The Dog
Dear Master: The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It's time to get rid of the cat. Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table � actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me. And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important? Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my nose. Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason. I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster: To: Master of the house From:Hamster Subject: Cat Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work. Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show. I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in roadkill, yet you give me baths all the time! And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense. So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet.
Yours truly, The Dog
Another joke :)
Animal Jokes
A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin� and dealin� they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn�t dance a single step!" "Hmmm...." thought the duck�s former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin� and dealin� they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn�t dance a single step!" "Hmmm...." thought the duck�s former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Jokes of the day!
Animal Jokes
Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin�s lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..." "Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn�t help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word �panda� in the dictionary, you�ll have no choice but to agree." The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."
Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin�s lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..." "Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn�t help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word �panda� in the dictionary, you�ll have no choice but to agree." The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."
Animal Jokes
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand." Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said. "Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?" "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time." "So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water." "Yes dear," said the mother. "So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand." Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said. "Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?" "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time." "So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water." "Yes dear," said the mother. "So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
Jokes of the day
Animal Jokes
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand." Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said. "Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?" "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time." "So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water." "Yes dear," said the mother. "So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand." Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said. "Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?" "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time." "So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water." "Yes dear," said the mother. "So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
Today's jokes
Animal Jokes
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That�s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That�s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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